TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely out of spot. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Certainly, confident, let us have A further place the place American Guys can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you All people a suite around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It is that he really should prevent employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from Room, a aspect currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the Trump Tower Damascus tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising System: "If You Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will also consist of:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where my PTSD can have convert-down services."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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